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this is the price you pay for loss of control.
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| this is a metter of life & death ; but i deal with things like this everyday. |
[18 May 2005|08:59pm] |
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 emo as F00K. |
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7OxSEVEN -- BR&NU |
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so today was ok i guess. could be worse. could be better though. i think i'm depressed ; i'm a fucking rollercoaster. eh what can you do. all i know is i am going to eat my first meal in 5 days ((i've lost 4 pounds...i call it the depression diet)). i love my friends though ; u guys pretty much are what keeps be going. ah i'm so tired. o ya NPR people can kiss my world dominating ass.
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| you would KiLL for this /// * |
[17 May 2005|06:58pm] |
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 crushed |
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music |
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nothing. |
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so i'm going back to writing in a journal. i need somewhere to put down everything i'm feeling. god how things have changed. since last summer...the beginning of this year...since last week. i don't even know what to do with myself. part of me is still in shock ; the other part is completley numb. one minute i'll feel fine...smiling & joking around...& when i get by myself i just lose it & sob into a pillow for what seems like hours. i'm fucking faking being happy ; & at times i can't even do that. i'm so hurt ; so damn hurt. the worst feeling in the world is loving someone with your entire heart...& not have them feel the same way back. goddamnit ; i would give anything in the world for that to be different. anything. but i have come to a conclusion. i'm going to stay away from relashonships for a long time. i'm going to date around ((even though i'm kind of apprahensive about that...)) ; just so i can have some fun ; & live my life. theres no way i'm turning back into "slutty lauren" though. as for "love"... my heart is elsewhere & no one is going to get it for a long while. no one. i can't even imagine falling in love with someone else. even though it hurts like hell to be just friends...maybe thats what is best right now. & even though i'm still in SO much pain...i just want things to be back to normal. but i just miss having someone there to hold hands with, & hug...& kiss on the cheek just to make him feel good. i miss having the special someone to just hold ; i just miss someone there to talk to & joke around with. i mean ; i honestly don't know if anybody will ever have my full heart...i can hope but its always going to be missing a piece. & as much as i can hope that the summer will make it better ; honestly i think it will make it worse. i thought last summer sucked...but at least i had kev. i just need someone. but the WORST thing i can do is get into a relashonship ; it would be the biggest mistake ever. i still have a part of me holding on, just hoping & wishing...for something to happen again. i know that sounds desperate ; but its all i have right now. & i need something. as for right now...i'm sad & lonely...but theres NOTHING in the world i can do to change that. i said some things to him i REALLY regret...i wouldn't take the relashonship back if i could...because the time i speant with him was the happiest time of my life. by far. the memories of that are what hurt so much, & i can't even begin to think about the good times we spent together. that would hurt far too much. i just don't understand how someone can just stop loving somebody. i'll probably never get that. the relashonship we had was the most beautiful & wonderful thing i have ever experienced. & thats why it hurts SO much to see it end. it hurts like hell ; but i guess i'm learning from it. its just the hardest lesson i've ever had to learn. i wonder if he even misses me.
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[29 Jan 2005|12:43pm] |
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mood |
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SHiTTY |
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music |
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MY D0G SN0RiNG |
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sick.it sucks. AL0T. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
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[26 Jan 2005|04:16pm] |
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mood |
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 SiCK & TiRED ! ! ! |
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SATiN iN A C0FFiN - M0DEST M0USE |
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being sick sucks. alot. & i am sick. sore throat, coughing, weak, light head, all-in-all MiSREABLE. but heeey what the hell. ill go to school anyways.the past few days have been okay, but rather uneventful. sunday nite got a drunk phone call from someone-who-shall-remain-nameless. that was fun lol, & youll never guess who it was.monday blew as mondays always blow. dumbass mullarkey gave us an essay due whatTHEfuck.i havent had any homework in any of my other classes tho, so woohoo.the rest of the week should be okay, we go on retreat friday, which is always fun ((last year...TAMP0N LAKE! & the infamous pew-breaking. & laughing til we exploded)). & tomorrow is F0UR MONTHS! awwwww it seems like a lot longer, but 4 months is a long time. im so happy. even tho today i was in a bad mood. moody lauren came out to play, & it wasnt very fun.oh well.ill be good by tomorrow.ahhh i feel like shhhhit.its naptime. peace. xXx
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[23 Jan 2005|05:16pm] |
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mood |
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 B0RED/TiRED/LAZY/%@#$! |
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music |
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MR.BRiGHTSiDE - THE KiLLERS |
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ahhh today sucked. except for seeing kev of course.woke up around 8, wandered around my house aimlessly til about 10, where i went to visit kev at work, cuz my mom needed some crap done with the microfilm. went on break with him, too ((woo)). then off to panera with my mommy then back home. to do N0THiNG. & i mean N0THiNG. im supposed to be working on mullarkey's essay but FUCKTHAT.too damn lazy.kev's mom is gay & is making him go to church. so lauren has no one to play with $%#%^&. GAYgayGAYgayGAYgayGAYgayGAYgayGAYgayGAY. boooooored.on another ranting point, T0C is on the 18th but my mom's like "uuhmm, i dont care who the driver is, no teenager is driving u to orlando" i was sooooo mad. i want to go so fucking bad.ahhhhhh.MCR, the used, senses fail,& ASL?!?!??!that would be so beyond awesome. but noooooo. %$%$#@$%$ghavsdjavdhjsdvshmdncnhdvhjvgfieywkvg.ooh well.i love the 90s is on, so thats just oh-needer-ful.i need starbucks ahhh.need...white...chocolate...mocha...latte. ahh i quit. QUiT. well anywhoo, heres a random quiz thing, CLICK BEL0W! ttyl, bye xxx
( CLiCk F0r FrEe PoRn )
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[22 Jan 2005|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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G0LD CAVALiERS ARE GAY %$@$# |
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music |
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SiC TRANSiT GL0RiA - BRAND*NIZZLE ((my theme soooong)) |
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today was cool. work, which took for-fuckin-ever. then kev came over for dinner, & some SERi0USLY competetive four-square lol. then off to starbucks ((gee,suprise ; suprise...two times today, woo!)) then demans landing ((hehe)), but alas, that was ruined ((STUPiD BiTCH)) then vinoy park where we parked but this gold cavalier parked like 5 spaces away.so we moved, & so did they, abt 5 spaced away. then we went to a completley different park thats adjoined to vinoy, & they followed us & parked 5 spaces away! so we went BACK to vinoy park & so did they...5 spaces away, then we moved to as far away as possible, & they followed us & parked 5 FUCKiN SPACES AWAY. whhhhatttthhhheeeefffuuuucccckkkkk. kev was so pissed, it was cute. it was really creepy tho, i was gettin kinda freaked out. so me & kev went & drove to the gold cavalier & there was N0 0NE in there. soooooo #$%#%#$%^$ scary. im still kinda weirded out...vinoy is now officially creepy at nite lol. well im off to phone with kev & sleep, talk to u guys in the a.m. <3
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[20 Jan 2005|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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 T.G.i.((ALM0ST)) F |
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RED iS THE NEW BLACK - FUNERAL F0R A FRiEND |
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blaaaah. today was just like the weather, CRAPPY. nothing happened, but on a good note :
a) its thursday--tomorrow is FRiDAY!
b) shortened classes/out early
started the day out with a visit to my BFFEAE starbucks ; yearbook first period ((seriously, if i didnt have my white chocolate mocha latte & ipod, & SARAHHHH i would DiE)). good thing i have such a relaxing first period..otherwise i might be insane. oh wait, i am. but in a good way.school was overly long, for being an hour short.hoffman took it easy on us today, didnt bitch our asses out ((F0R THE FiRST TiME THiS WEEK!!!!)) ; & gaffey once again flipped out on our class, my 5h period is the shit. HiLARi0US. after school me & kev were gonna head back to his house ((uuuhhhoooohhhh)) but ended up going to macaroni grill with my mommy instead. i cant turn down the bread lol. gooooooood times, it was cute. then back home where im supposed to be studying, but my ADHD ((that doesnt actually exist...)) has kicked in & therefore im procrastinating like a motherrr.fun shit. ahhh fun day, lemme tell u. no pics tho, so sorry :o/
choke on the phrases left unsaid
silver bullets that pierce my ears
shadows of demons melt my persona
taken from the memory of the darkess lock
G0TTA L0VE ASL! im out fuckers xxx p
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[19 Jan 2005|06:26pm] |
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mood |
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 FaNtAbUl0ci0uS |
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EMiLY-FR0M FiRST T0 LAST |
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today was uneventful ((noticing a trend here?!)). starbuks early in the mornin ((white chocolate mocha lattes = steamy starbucks sex)). religion was funny tho, our sub called jen "hermit crab"...which we then shortened to "hermie". hehe. V0TE F0R HERMiE, N0 CRABS! lol, sooo great. & as we all know, it is national "andy has an STD week"..today he had syphillis, so we called him syphie. SYPHiE & HERMiE!muhaha.goooooood times. this week is like flying by, praise jesus. tomorrow we get out early..woo. & tomorrow = no practice soooo play time with kev. yessss. so anywhoo, this week i am being a total camera whore & taking tons of pics of seemingly...N0THiNG! soooo enjoy!( T0 HELL WiTH Y0U & ALL Y0UR FRiENDS.. )
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[18 Jan 2005|05:25pm] |
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mood |
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 bubbly & retarded |
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ThE TrAnSiTi0n - HaWth0rNe HeiGhtS |
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today was quite uneventful. went to starbucks ; which really isnt a new thing for moi ((for those of u that dont know, i go to starbucks literlally EVERY morning. i cant remember that last time i didnt. im addicted. caffine & i = BFFAEAEAEAEAEAEAE)). school. running ((6 times 200, & i was dead...ive gotten soooooo pathetic :o/))then back home, where i ate icecream. highlight of my day. i wouldnt be able to make it through my day if it werent for text messaging & starbucks. they keep me awake lol.my history teacher has gone psyco-bitch on us & flips out on our class, its rather annoying.& were her "good" class..hmm.but my yearbook teacher is beyond awesome...gets me & the gecanator out of like all of our classes.fanfreakintastic. i come bearing photos of me & my partner in crime during our skippage of 3rd period/some serious creativity--( PiMpTaStiC PiCs )
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[17 Jan 2005|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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waaaaaaahhhhhh |
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music |
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LiPgl0Ss & LeTd0Wn - AsL |
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( random survey )
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[17 Jan 2005|04:15pm] |
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mood |
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c-c-c-c-old |
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LuNiCy FriNgE - ThE UsEd |
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ah, a new journal. i got bored of not having one lol. sooo..i shall update u on this weekend.saturday me, jen & kendall did a race, as did jordan & his friend, andy. jordan ran very slowly with me. but we didnt win. $#@$@$%#% but, it was muy muy fun. crazy times...then saturday nite me & kev went to dinner & ummm other places ((ah the joys of an abandonded & empty men's bathroom!!!)) lol jk...then sunday nite i went over to johnathan's house for the colts game *slits wrists* but ended up watching anchorman. it was more like we quoted anchorman but whatever.this weekend was tiiight...i have photographic evidence of my fun ( weekend )
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[17 Jan 2005|04:09pm] |
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testing 1212121212121212
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